Frangle- Handle With Care

I am so excited that this Etsy Thing is going really well! https://www.etsy.com/shop/tinybirdvintagehome?ref=hdr_user_menu-shop I have been selling and shipping pretty, old, breakable things all over the country and even Australia.

Last week I was walking to the post office from my car with a stack of boxes full of Jade-ite, porcelain, ceramic and other breakable things. I am sure I looked funny – a pair of legs poking out from under a precariously tall pile of packages marked FRAGILE all over in sharpie. In retrospect, it might have been smarter to take 2 trips. I was navigating the sidewalk with one eye when heard a man say, “Hey, Fragile, let me get the door.” For a minute I thought he must have known me because fragile is a good description for how I feel these days. My friend Katie died 6 months ago and I really miss her. Not to belabor the metaphor but I often feel like I myself am made of vintage glass. I might look pretty but be careful, I break easily!

Is there anything that doesn’t remind me that Kate is gone and her precious children, loving husband, close knit family and friends do not have her? The answer- for now- is… nope. Everything is permeated with this great loss.

Last night I had a cool gig singing at the gorgeous Union League in Philadelphia. Oh man, trying to get ready for that event was ridiculous. NOTHING looked good, too tight, too red, too uncomfortable. When I finally settled on a dress, I realized it had a rip. I ran to Nordstrom Rack despite not having time and NOTHING LOOKED GOOD! Too many bags of Cape Cod Grief Chips. Really, you would think that by now I would know better than to go down that rabbit hole of self loathing. Kate and I used to talk about how our grandmothers always worried about their weight and we joked that we would tell each other not to do that when we were old. Remembering this repeated conversation (and really it wasn’t that deep,) I started to cry in the Nordstrom dressing room, as I thought , “When I am old, who will tell me not to worry about being fat?” I know that is just plain ridiculous but it is just an example one of the myriad of little things that hit me every day.

There are gifts in this time too of course. Last Monday, I was particularly low, feeling criticized from every direction and just so, so, deeply, lonely. Then, DING! I got a text from my friend, Erin, asking if I could come over the next day for tea. YES! It is a rare day when Erin and I both have free time. It was so healing to be with Erin and I could just picture myself telling Katie, “Guess who I had tea with? Erin Reilly!” I could almost hear her smiling, calm, voice, “That’s so great, Deir.” Erin and Kate shared a deep and long friendship from childhood into adulthood through the advent of Theatre Horizon and its successful Autism Drama Program, one of Katie’s greatest legacies. Katie was even Erin’s doula. I was lucky enough to become friends with both of them during a production of “Honk” at Theater Horizon over 10 years ago. That was a special time in my life and every person involved in that show will forever hold a place in my heart, especially now.

Throughout Kate’s struggle with Leukemia, she and I had a recurring conversation. After I had received the daily rundown of symptoms, issues, etc, she would usually say, “How are you?” and I would often say, “Well, I have this friend who is really sick so that’s tough.” We would laugh or cry and then get on with whatever else we were talking about. That is really how it was and is- it is always there. There is so much going on in my life- good things too-but whenever anyone asks me, “How are you?” I always want to say, ‘Well, my best friend died.” Of course, that is not what the lady at the bank is asking nor is it really what almost anyone is asking!

We all know the answer to “How are you?” is almost always “Good! How are you?”

And I am good. Maybe, let’s just say, I am…fine. I work. I make dinner, kiss my husband, laugh, drive my kids places, walk my dog, send invoices and plan parties and sing gigs and lots of other exciting, mundane, and busy things. I enjoy things too. The Etsy shop success is thrilling! I have never had a job that wasn’t in the realm of the Performing Arts and I am proud that it is turning into something cool. But I am so distracted. I leave clothes in the washer, forget to buy milk. I sing verses twice or second guess the rhythm on “Amazing Grace” for God’s sake!

I recently wrote “Frangle” instead of “Fragile” on a package headed to Florida.

I am a tough cookie and I have weathered many storms. But if you see me or any of Kate’s other friends, family or colleagues soon, I think I can speak for all of us when I request, HANDLE WITH CARE.